So was that the longest seven months ever, or what? I was forced to fill my days with awaiting the royal baby (so much cuter than Kanye’s), obsessing over the Aaron Hernandez trial (so obviously guilty), and learning to Twerk (so hard on this old gal’s knees).
Finally, though, football is back. I’m more excited than Miley Cyrus with a foam finger! If you’re not, consider the following: Football season is a chance to renew the bonds with the men in your life, from husbands to boyfriends to sons. It’s also a terrific way to meet more women who love the game, as I’m finding more and more. Single gals, throw a Sunday Night Football party, post a few pics on Instagram, and I guarantee the men will come a knockin! Who doesn’t love a football lovin lady? We’re the best, IMHO.
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If you need further inspiration, here are a few storylines to get you excited for this NFL season. Read, learn, discuss.
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The Seattle Seahawks and Denver Broncos are widely predicted to meet on Feb. 2, 2014 in New Jersey for the Super Bowl. Now, you should know that these predictions rarely work out, as upsets are rampant in the NFL. But if the analysts are right, I predict my boy Peyton Manning will hoist the Lombardi trophy once more. And the good news is, if you bet $1 on the Oakland Raiders to win, you could have $250 burning a hole in your pocket come Feb. 3. So go for the underdog!
Since last season, 37 NFL players have been arrested, from crimes ranging from DUI to murder. That’s almost an entire team’s roster, for God’s sake. Once again, when you combine too much money, a little free time, good looks, baby mamas, and hangers-on, you get tons of off-the-field drama. I’m thinking of a Cops: NFL Edition reality show. Who’d watch?
Tim Tebow, the heart-of-gold virgin QB who is an inspiration to millions, is, at press time, out of the NFL and probably for good. As much as we all rooted for Tim, he was really never an NFL-worthy quarterback, but watch for him to kill it in the ratings as he becomes a highly-paid commentator.
Teams around the league are preparing to defend the new “pistol” offense executed so brilliantly last season by teams like the 49ers and Redskins. Explain to the man in your life that the pistol formation leverages the benefits of both a run and shotgun formation and allows a running quarterback a crazy array of offensive options on every play.
Bonus points if you say that you don’t think the pistol offense is a viable option for the long term health of any QB in the league, as evidenced by the RGIII playoff fiasco. Now you’re getting it, girl!
And quarterback controversies, as always, rule the day at the start of the season. Look for high-flying franchise field generals to be replaced by up-and-comers around week four. And if it’s anything like last year, the crazy experiment will work. If you’re confused, just Google Kapernick.
Other Stuff to blow your mind –
Jay-Z is a sports agent now. I wish there was a player named Rich that he just could not sign…then we’d all say “He got 99 clients but a Rich ain’t one”.
Patriots’ Tom Brady and his wife Gisele’s new giant home in L.A. has a moat (yes, I said moat) and closets the size of a New York apartment. It’s ok if you want to throw up a little in your mouth.
Peyton Manning does not have a Twitter account, but Peyton Manning’s Head does.
Arian Foster of the Texans does yoga and bows in a Hindu greeting to the crowd after every touchdown. Plus, he’s smoking hot. Namaste that!
Lastly, I’m even more thrilled about the following things this season…
Playing Fantasy Football for the first time. My team, Luck, Beat A Brady Tonite, is up against some of the smartest women online, so I’m sure to get creamed. But hey, not everyone can snag Adrian Peterson on day one.
I’m heading to at least three Colts games this season. Teachable moment – if your team can’t come to you, of course you go to them.
My six year old is finally understanding some of the key terms of the game. As we watched the preseason, my heart filled with pride as he questioned why Rex Ryan would possibly put in his (alleged) starter with his third string O-line. Some things, little man, are better left unasked.
So pick your team, grab your jersey, and get thyself in front of the tube! Visit my blog www.hailmaryblog.com and subscribe for weekly updates, or follow me on Twitter @hailmaryblog.
