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Health & Fitness

A Father & Son Conversation

What can a Father and Son talk about while they're alone out there among the stars? It's a Swiftian narrative.

The Father and Son are sitting in a patch of dark matter near a nebula far, far away discussing what on earth is going on:

“Look, Dad, you tried that once before – on the fourth planet circling the sun over there. Took eons to get the water and volcanoes and electricity turned on, and look what happened.”

“Yeah, We know, Son, the place is dry as a bone; nothing but dirt and tracks in the sand. Well, We tried.”

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“I know it was just an experiment, Dad, but – the waste. There’s only so much time. What – five billion more years and we’re outta there?”

“It’s going to work this time, Son. Jesus, we put so much into the place. All those bacteria, then the fishes and the creepy crawlers . . . you have to admit, that was one creative six days of work!”

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“You’re forgetting those giant things with long necks that almost took over the planet!”

“Well, we just wanted to see how they’d do.”

“Sure, I know, Dad, you only mean well. But it was a near disaster. You remember how long it took to get the humans to procreate? The snake was a good idea.”

“Then they started throwing apples at each other, and later, rocks! We were about ready to blow the place to kingdom come, until you showed up. We’ll never forget that day!”

“I was there for 33 years, Dad, and it’s still a problem. Here I sit, after all I went through, and half of them don’t believe I was even there.”

“We thought it best to let them make up their own minds, my boy. We didn’t want a bunch of robots – that would be no fun. You have no idea how boring it was just sitting here watching stars turn on and off, and all that dust everywhere.”

“Well, they sure exceeded your expectations.”

“We’re only sorry you had to suffer, Son. But now that you’re here, We have someone to talk to. We can do whatever we want.”

“You want to start all over?”

“Not just yet. Don’t get anxious. We still have time.”

“Right – are you sure? That big noise that started everything – you figured that out yet?”

“We’re working on it, Son. It’s a conundrum, We’ll admit. Meanwhile, some of those humans are about to learn our secrets.”

“How did that ever happen? I thought you created “Popes” to prevent that.”

“As they say, Son, who knows the mind of God? Let’s concentrate for now on the rover that just landed on Mars. We’re curious.”

“You’re starting to sound just like them, Dad.”

“Well, they are all God’s creatures. But that one group is our favorite.”

“Right. What the hell were you thinking?”

“We so love the world, Son. We don’t really care what they know or don’t know; be nice if they’d stop killing each other. We are a bit concerned about what they’re doing to the planet.”

“Okay, what’s the plan, Dad?”

“Well, they’ll probably find out We were messing with Mars before We started on Earth – dumb name for a place with all that water.”

“I’m glad to hear you admit they’re dumb.”

“If they were as smart as We are, they’d be hard to control. We weren’t looking for equals – no offense to you, my boy – just some things in our image to occupy the time.”

“You do like your toys, Dad. By the way, why me? You had the Holy Ghost. I know the story you told them down there, but really, you sent your only begotten son into that sorry bunch of Bedouins?

“You just don’t get it, do you? We made the Earth for you, my boy. You’re the love of our life – if you’ll excuse the expression. We could have done it differently, but We wanted you to make your mark. We have the rest of the universe to play in. Don’t think for a minute this is all there is. Wait till you see the other places We’ve prepared.”

“Other places? You only mentioned that heavenly place everyone's talking about. I mean, what the hell’s going on?”

“You just got here a while ago. Jesus, you’re not the beginning and end all of everything. We are.”

“Sorry, Dad, I should have realized – Alpha and Omega and all.”

“No foul, Son. We planned to let you know everything – after We see what they do down there. They might just blow themselves up.”

“I promised to go back, Dad – to save the believers.”

“We remember, Son, but there is no Santa Claus. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.”

“Dad, where’s mom, for God’s sake? And someday, will you point out the angel who did the deed? I want to see if there’s a family resemblance.”

. . . to be continued.

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