This post was contributed by a community member. The views expressed here are the author's own.

Health & Fitness

Stuff Happens!

Jesus Christ in the morning! Obama sending arms to Syrian “terrorists” – claims Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann – was a sign “we are in God’s end times.” She swears biblically, “Maranatha, come Lord Jesus, his day is at hand.”

When she uses that word, “Maranatha,” it almost brings tears to my eyes.

This was a record-breaking week for Americans. We came in 13th in an international test of math, reading, and problem-solving skills. The only countries with better scores were Canada, Australia, Sweden, Slovakia, and a few others. But there was obviously some cheating going on.

Find out what's happening in Encinitaswith free, real-time updates from Patch.

We may be below the international average in some things. But we have the Tea Party – and they don’t!

But, wait – that’s not all.  The Russians, those un-Godly swine, finally admitted they could not repel all possible invasions. Boasting about his country’s air defense system, Sergey Berezhnoy told reporters, “We are, unfortunately, not ready to fight extraterrestrial civilizations.”

Find out what's happening in Encinitaswith free, real-time updates from Patch.

Hell, we can at least do that! How do they think we wound up with Michele Bachmann and Ted Cruz?

At last, Antonin Scalia and his team of social conservatives are opening up the gates to allow money to really influence our elections. Corporations – er, um, ah, “persons,” excuse me – have as much right as any billionaire to influence who gets elected and which laws are passed in this country.

We are doing our best – no one can deny it – to keep poor people from having to go to the polls and vote. They have much better things to do, like looking for jobs.

And look what’s happening: the South is about to rise again! It’s a new Civil War. Maybe they’ll get to secede this time. It’s only fair. They lost last time – I think. The red states are red hot, and they’re right, Obama is not Lincoln. He’s not going to start a war. I wish the rednecks luck …  as long as we get to keep Miami and South Beach.

We just have to clean up the mess.

Several sources: including The Week magazine, October 18, 2013.


We’ve removed the ability to reply as we work to make improvements. Learn more here

The views expressed in this post are the author's own. Want to post on Patch?