“What to Do With Mom and Dad,” The Taboo Topic of Our Time

By Joe Ditler

SOLANA BEACH - We’re born, and then we die. What happens in between differs with each individual, but in the end we all face the same questions: Who will take care of us when we get old? Can we afford assisted living? Will we die alone?

With an estimated 78 million Baby Boomers in the nation today, it’s no surprise that quality facilities to house this major demographic fall short of the demand. As the vanguard of Boomers begins to seek solutions to old age needs, cities around the country are scrambling to assess what they have and determine what they need to meet this unprecedented onslaught of senior demands.

Portland’s HealthCare Mergers & Acquisitions (HCMA) is a U.S. national sales consulting firm specializing in assisted living, independent living facilities, hospitals, and health care facilities. Using Solana Beach as a local example, HCMA’s research portrays this high-end beach community as having a higher proportion of older residents per capita than the state; possessing of a more affluent base; and saddled with a senior community that is growing rapidly.

Findings indicate 8.5% of the total Solana Beach population is 75 or older, with 19.4% being 65 or older. These percentages compare with about 5.4% and 11.9%, respectively, for the entire state of California, and are growing.

“Within a three-mile radius of Solana Beach, this 75 and older population is projected to grow at a rate of 1.5% every year between now and 2017,” said Jerry Walker, managing director of HCMA-Portland.

Based on an earlier survey by the same company, the Solana Beach population as a whole is considerably older and more affluent than average, with a median age of 44.6 years within the city (compared to 35.3 years for the state in 2012).

Last year, median household income levels were nearly twice the statewide average in the city ($110,467), compared to the state ($57,385), indicating Solana Beach is populated with high-income seniors, and yet there is still an unmet need for quality care facilities within this region.

Todays assisted living facilities are trying urgently to catch up with the larger aging population, while dealing with the fact that people are living longer than ever before. The nursing homes of a generation ago are being replaced with modern facilities, with amenities and fail-safes that are radically improved.

Researchers in the field of aging continually sound alarms about how woefully unprepared we are for the onslaught of the Baby Boomers, now referred to as, “the Silver Tsunami.” At age 65, one in eight people have some form of dementia. At age 85, one in two has dementia – that’s half of all seniors in the fastest growing age demographic in America.

HCMA also found that there is an unmet need for up to 93 private, pay-assisted living beds and up to 31 private, pay-secured memory care beds in the seven zip code market area surrounding and including Solana Beach.

Dealing with aging family members is the taboo topic of our time. No one wants to talk about growing old. Memories of nursing homes in our parents’ and grandparents’ era – places where elders were sent to die – linger in our subliminal memory. And far too many grown children succumb to mom or dad’s wish, “I just want to die in my home, surrounded by my things.”

The debate on whether to keep mom and dad at home, or invest in assisted living, continues to be waged. On the national level, 19 million family caretakers continue to try and keep mom and dad at home, despite increasing options and an expanded quality of care in assisted living.

Recent media coverage on this subject (KPBS/Frontline and an investigative series in the San Diego Union-Tribune) has brought fresh attention to the issue of assisted living. Although those particular stories focused primarily on isolated and negative incidents involving assisted living, studies indicate a far greater rate of seniors experience neglect or abuse living at home.

Such debate, no matter which side is depicted, only adds awareness to this overlooked area of our lives – planning for the twilight years. No matter what side of the debate, everyone seems to agree that more quality facilities are needed, and this will only grow year by year.

If, as statistics demonstrate, industry standards have risen to the point where residents at these facilities are living longer and healthier lives, and the cost is about the same compared to keeping a loved one at home, the cause for hesitation points to a lack of awareness. After all, it is a topic no one seems to want to talk about, especially mom and dad. And many grown children go for years convincing themselves that mom and dad are just fine.

“I definitely think it’s still an awareness issue,” said Anne Owens-Stone, co-owner of several assisted living communities throughout Southern California, one of which is all memory care. “The public needs to be educated on how this very important market has changed.”

Owens-Stone has had plenty of experience with every possible scenario dealing with aging and assisted living. She has dedicated her life to helping people with this life changing decision. “Having mom and dad close by makes it easier to drop in and say, ‘Hey, how are ya doing?’” she said. “They can bring the grandkids by. The family unit, and a quality experience for everyone now exists once again. Through this higher quality of professional care, their lives can go on far beyond what they could experience living at home alone.”

She points out how the adult son or daughter can become the “beloved” again instead of the nagging and guilty part-time caregiver. “Social interaction is central to our happiness and well-being, and it is often one of the great casualties of old age. A spouse dies, loneliness sets in, the mind is failing a bit – that’s embarrassing, it feels like too much effort to go out, friends have passed away, and solitude becomes the de facto lifestyle.

“In an assisted living community setting, socialization is ever-present,” she adds. “It can be accessed in many forms through shared meals, activities, outings, informal gathering of friends, and the choice is always the prerogative of the senior.

“It’s very difficult to manage all the aspects of an aging person’s needs at home without a staff to do it, especially if there are memory issues. One of our doctors tells her families that they can keep a loved one with dementia at home if they have seven people to help in the caregiving – because that is what it takes to engineer a safe environment that isn’t putting a single in-home caregiver at risk of illness or early mortality.”

She contends that social interaction is central to happiness and wellbeing, and yet is often one of the great casualties of old age. “A spouse dies, loneliness sets in, the mind is failing a bit – that’s embarrassing, it feels like too much effort to get dressed and go out, friends have passed away, and solitude becomes the de facto lifestyle,” said Owens-Stone. “In an assisted living community setting, socialization is ever-present.”

Recent findings suggest that people who live in a congregate setting live longer, and live healthier, because they are eating regular meals that have been prepared for them. If they don’t show up for meals, people are checking up on them. They get regular medication management – either someone is queuing them to take their meds, or actually giving them their meds. Someone is checking in on them on a regular basis to make sure they are okay, that they are feeling well.

The numbers are there to show dramatically how poorly equipped we are to take care of our elders. But, more critical is the lack of education and awareness on this topic. Do we let mom live alone in her house? Even though that’s her adamant desire; her wish; her last instructions to her children? It’s not an easy decision to make in any family.

Sometimes a lack of immediate family involvement, and mom or dad living alone, they get taken advantage of. The senior population is the biggest target for scam artists. The criminals know that memory isn’t there, that their victims are terribly lonely. Anyone who can tap into that loneliness and gain their trust might get them to open their checkbook, billfold or ATM machine, and they can travel down that road quite a distance before they get caught, if they ever do. Often it can be the neighbor or the gardener, or a trusted friend or family member who is scamming the victim.

“With 80% of all Americans living past the age of 65, people over the age of 85 make up the fastest growing age segment of our population,” reiterated Owens-Stone, “whether you’re talking the country, the county or Solana Beach. At present there are far too few quality facilities capable of meeting the need of these aging Americans.

“Everyone gets old. Everyone dies. It’s how you plan for, and address the final years that may define not just the quality of life for your aging parents, but for you.”

About the author: Joe Ditler is a longtime freelance writer specializing in San Diego community, arts & culture and the waterfront. His work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, San Diego Magazine, San Diego Home/Garden & Lifestyles Magazine, The San Diego Reader, and many other local, regional and national magazines and newspapers.